![[johnr's Mellow Pages]](../../../mplogo.jpg)
see copyright notice. Page created 8-Nov-2000 updated 30-Apr-2019. Use the button groups above to navigate quickly around the site.
This "Concise guide to words and phrases you might encounter when buying goods in British shops" was conceived over a beer or three in a Wivenhoe pub, circa 1998. Much of the politically-incorrect original remains, and I've incorporated the "Recipes for Cynics" that previously appeared as a separate web page. Please don't take any of it seriously...
| New | - | On field trial |
| Original | - | Unprofitable |
| Instant | - | Simulated |
| Lite | - | Taste-free |
| Low-fat | - | Boredom precludes repletion |
| Delicious | - | Nausea precludes repletion |
| Creamy | - | Glutinous |
| Tasty | - | Contains lots of MSG |
| Rich in Vitamin C | - | Contains preservative: L-Ascorbic Acid |
| No artificial colouring or flavouring | - | More artificial preservatives than usual |
| No added sugar | - | Watch out for dodgy sweeteners |
| As seen on TV | - | We make a huge profit on this product! |
| New easy-open carton | - | Wanted: Design Consultant with engineering background |
| Contents may settle | - | Packet is only half full |
![[Half-full muesli
packet]](settlement.jpg) | ||
| Wholegrain | - | Make an appointment with your dentist NOW!" |
| Child-proof cap | - | Requires Angle Grinder to open |
| Suitable for Vegans | - | 90% Sawdust |
| In Oil | - | Return cargo on supertanker |
| In Brine | - | Salvaged cargo |
| Fair Trade | - | Obtained in exchange for plastic beads |
| (Thanks to Graham for the last 6. You are even more cynical than I :) | ||
| Whole Milk | - | Milk |
| Semi-skimmed Milk | - | White water |
| Skimmed Milk | - | Grey water |
| Saffron Rice | - | Rice dyed yellow |
| Saffron Buns | - | Buns dyed yellow |
| Serving Suggestion | - | We replaced these ingredients with flavourings |
| 30% Extra Free | - | We're losing out to another brand |
Recipe: Prawn Crackers
Take 1kg foam packing chips, some sugar, any old meat or fish stock that has gone slightly off. Dissolve sugar in stock, soak foam chips, dry until crisp. Market carefully, avoiding the savvy "lower" classes, and presto! your product will rapidly achieve cult status.
| Spicy | - | Irritating to the mouth and digestive tract |
| Indian Style | - | Brown and spicy |
| Chinese Style | - | Red and spicy |
| American Style | - | Sweet |
| Country Style | - | The main ingredient is Potatoes |
| Tropical | - | Contains pineapple |
| Exotic | - | Contains one or more inappropriate ingredients |
| Improved Recipe | - | Now conforms to labelling regulations |
| Serving Suggestion | - | We bought this plate in a doll's house furniture sale |
Recipe: Lemon Grass Soup
Take 100 gallons of lemonade, one bale of clean bedding straw, some chilli powder. Warm lemonade, stir in straw. Add chilli powder to blur identity of other ingredients. Apportion as starter for several pounds in your trendy new restaurant.
| Organic [fruit] | - | Rotten |
| Organic [veg] | - | Unsuitable for vegetarians |
| Baby | - | Failed crop of |
| Petit | - | Récolte manquée de |
| Garden | - | Frozen |
| Button | - | Immature |
| Flat | - | Overgrown |
| Dutch | - | Taste-free |
| New Season | - | It's spring in Botswana |
| 30% extra free | - | We need to shift these before they go organic |
| Fresh Grade A | - | Intensively reared in battery houses |
| Free Range | - | Ditto with badly-maintained walls |
| Poussin | - | Failed crop of chickens |
| Corn-fed Chicken | - | Chicken dyed yellow |
| Smoked Haddock | - | Haddock dyed yellow |
| 30% extra free | - | Sales have plummeted since recent health scare |
![[giant biscuits and tiny bottle]](suggestion.jpg) | ||
| Sparkling | - | Fizzy |
| Smooth-flow | - | Soapy |
| Bottle-conditioned | - | Cloudy |
| Clean | - | Taste-free |
| Full-bodied | - | Sweet |
| Crisp | - | Acrid |
| Subtle | - | Overpowering |
| Distinctive | - | Unforgettably subtle |
| Oak | - | Vanilla flavouring |
| Chardonnay | - | Vanilla flavour white wine |
| Rioja | - | Vanilla flavour red wine |
| Alcohol-free | - | Pointless |
| New-style Winery | - | We invented a winemaker with a cool, sexy name to boost sales |
| Lager | - | Carbonated water dyed yellow |
| Cider | - | Spirit vinegar dyed yellow |
| Craft Beer | - | Beer in tiny bottles |
| 30% extra free | - | Costs us virtually nothing to manufacture |
| Peach & Susanberry Flavour | - | Our cheap peach flavouring doesn't taste convincingly like peaches |
Recipe: Mellow Red Wine
Take 25 gallons of Ribena, one disused sawmill, one heavy-duty garden sprayer, one dustbin, some surgical spirit. On a very hot day, fill sprayer with Ribena and direct at walls of sawmill. Repeat as necessary to keep everything thoroughly damp. Collect drainings in dustbin in basement. Add surgical spirit to taste. English punters will cheerfully pay ten pounds a bottle, but only if the Ribena was certified organic.
| Shampoo | - | Expensive detergent |
| Frequent Use Shampoo | - | Expensive diluted detergent |
| Shampoo for Greasy Hair | - | Expensive diluted Swarfega |
| Conditioner | - | Expensive diluted grease |